While observing a group of guys and girls standing together in a pub, many often find it tough to conclude who is dating, who are exes and who are "just plain friends". With all the touchy-feely business going on, it's easy to mistake a platonic friendship for a full-blown affair (especially after a couple of shots have been shared).
But if you think you're confused while trying to decipher the social dynamics of certain groups, just wait until you hear from the folks themselves.
"Are we just friends or are they wanting something more?" many write to me in emails, beseeching me to reveal the secret clues as to how to tell whether or not someone is into us or not. "And what does it mean when they say they 'just want to be friends'?" they beg to know. "Is it code for, 'I am not attracted to you, we don't have any chemistry, but you're kind of funny so lets hang out anyway?"
Then there's the big question: what causes things to go from hot and heavy, to them whipping out the "let's just be friends" break-up line?
This is the quandary facing reader LZ who writes in an email to me that after meeting a bloke at work, hitting it off, him suggesting they have coffee ("a date that's not a date" as she describes it), his messages started coming through thick and fast: "The date that wasn't a date soon became a 'real' date the following week and there was definitely a connection.
"He went away with the boys and yet I still heard from him. We arranged another night out the following week, but he rain-checked me, stating he wanted to support his recently dumped friend. Contact slowed that week though. Then we were all out on the Friday and in one conversation (while slow dancing to a dance track) he tells me how great I am, that we have fun, kisses me, says he can't give me what I want and that I am making it so much harder for him. I was dumbfounded!
"Since then, he has told me that I read more into what we had, which was apparently 'just friends' and that he can't see me because for him it would be too 'weird'. And when I have bumped into him, I seem to make him so uncomfortable! What happened for such a back flip? Or was I just reading into things??"
JustGoodFriends is experiencing an eerily similar conundrum. After meeting, courting and dating what he describes as a "fantastic" girl, he got given the "I just want to be good friends speech". The trouble, however, is they were actually friends before, so he isn't quite sure how he's supposed to go back to just being friends the way they were before they hooked up. "I can accept if a relationship does not work out after the first few dates, you need time to get to know someone and sometimes people aren't compatible. It's almost as if we were friends, she took the opportunity to test drive the relationship and then backed out! I hear contradicting stories from everyone I talk to that 1) It's better to be friends first, or 2) Once you're in the friend zone its impossible to get out!
"Is it even possible for these two statements to be true given the different ways that men approach women based on their motives (of either romance or friendship)? And what exactly does 'just good friends' mean? Does it ever mean what the words actually imply? In my case I fear it is a euphemism for 'someone to keep me entertained until something else better comes along' but then again I am slightly cynical after this week's debacle..."
What do you think?
Then there's the guy/girl who keeps their ex's around, claiming they're "just friends". And reader The Truth says it's bugging the heck out of her: "The guy I had been seeing is friends with all his exes which is so strange! Furthermore, all the exes know each other. At some point a line gets crossed and I think it's just plain weird. It's not normal is it?"
Apparently so. Yet as reader GS quickly figured out, being friends with an ex can lead down a very sticky path...
"I'm confused about a situation I am in with a recent ex-boyfriend. We were together for 6 years and had plans to get married, buy a house, and so on. It was a wonderful relationship - committed, passionate, a lot of fun; and it was my expectation that this would continue for ever. I know it was his expectation also as he told me frequently and was in fact far more ready for commitment than me.
"Before we broke up 4 months ago, I became jealous of the amount of time he was spending with a female friend, to the extent where we argued about it on occasion. He reassured me that they were only friends and I believed him, as he was the kind of guy who is close to female friends and had a lot of them, as I have male friends also. Since we broke up he told me he has leaned on her a lot, since he is not from Melbourne, (having moved here from the US to be with me five years ago) and hence does not have the same support networks - few friends apart from work (which is where he met this girl) and no family. He was devastated by the break-up (though it was his decision) and he told me she has been a good friend.
"My issue is that they have now got together. He says that this was only a month ago - 3 months after we broke up - and that it just happened; he didn't see it coming, never intended it to happen, didn't break up with me to be with her, and certainly didn't cheat on me while we were together.
"I believe that he didn't cheat on me, but do you think it's possible to go from a perfectly innocent friendship to a relationship just like that? I feel certain that she wanted to be with him and has been pretending to be "just friends" to get close to him while he is vulnerable and depressed. I think she has undoubtedly set herself a goal and achieved it. I saw it coming, so did others who knew them.
"Is it possible that he really had no idea of where this was headed? Can guys be that naive when a girl is being so obviously manipulative? Is he lying about the friendship being perfectly innocent until recently, or was he just dumb to not figure out her motives? Or is he right - was it honestly just a friendship that has suddenly turned into more?"
Food for thought to finish off the week!
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